The Deepening

Okay, everyone; time for a little horn tooting. This isn’t going to be one of my lengthy, pithy, yet oh so droll posts. No, no, no. I must, I’m afraid do a bit of shameless self-promotion. One of my stories was accepted for publication by an online fiction magazine called The Deepening (www.thedeepening.com). The site just recently went live, and is still working on getting all of the first issue authors’ submissions proofed, edited, and displayed, but it’s still a great site. My story is not live yet, but I’m listed under the “Meet the Authors” section, and my bio is posted. Yes! I am somebody! (you were right, Mom) I encourage everyone to take a look, and when my story is actually on the site, read it and tell me how great I am (even if you think it stinks – my ego is ever so bruisable just now). I have a link over there on the right, or you can click here. I thank you, my children thank you, and the guy from Discover card who keeps calling me thanks you.

It’s Hammer Time

Ever had anyone come to your house to “give an estimate” for custom window replacement? Here’s a way to completely waste four or five hours of your life. Since we’ve owned our current house, we’ve probably had three or four different companies give us their pitch. Why? you ask. I don’t really know – I think maybe we’re stupid. But, if you’ve never had a window guy come to your house, allow me to share my pane.

The first thing these window guys do is arrive with this giddy, happy attitude – like selling windows is more fun than watching Paris Hilton fall to her death from a 38 story building – and try to be your pal. They pet the cat, ooh and aah over drawings on the refrigerator, laugh at the pain inflicted by your son and his Bob the Builder tools, take out your garbage, wax the kitchen floor, and clean your sink trap. The plan is to soften you up for the big sales pitch. But not just yet; not just yet!

The next step is to bring a portable window-in-a-suitcase assembly into your house to show you the Argon gas between the panes. Argon gas is invisible to the naked eye, but they have to show it to you, and tell you how it stops over 90% of all the sun’s rays (so your cat doesn’t fade), and helps keeps your home at a constant womb-like temperature of 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit year round. Next, just to show you how strong these Argon gas encasements are, they hit the portable window sample with a hammer. It’s important for a window to be hammer-proof. It really is. Why, I can recall this time my wife and I were practicing our hammer juggling act, with five pound sledges…

But I drift. After that they bring out this big book of infra-red pictures of houses showing heat loss through their windows, complete with testimonials by home owners who, since purchasing these windows, have never had a problem with hammers. These testimonials also attest to the fact that since the home owner had them installed, his heating bills have dropped 134%. The utility company actually sends him money. It's at this point where the window guy asks, “If I could show YOU how you could save 134% on your fuel bills, would you want to know more?” This is a question designed to get you to begin answering “yes,” and to make you feel stupid for not already having these windows.

He will continue to ask you questions designed to elicit “yes” responses, for the next 15 minutes. “If I could show you how to keep more of your paycheck each month, you wouldn’t complain would you?” “If I were going to give you a check for $10,000 dollars, you’d like that, right?” “If I could beat myself to death with this hammer, you’d giggle like a school girl, wouldn’t you?” The point of this exercise is you are so stupid that if you say “yes” enough times in a row, you won’t be able to stop saying yes when the big pitch is thrown. “You’d like to give me a large check for work that won’t be done for at least six months, wouldn’t you?”

Once all the testimonials and yes-response questions are completed, they measure all your windows, so you can – finally – get an estimate. As they measure, they shake their heads solemnly, and make that “tsk” noise so you understand how awful your windows are. And then they cap it by telling you that they are a “non-standard” size. Uh oh. The difference between standard sized and non-standard sized is, well, size. That’s it. Since they are “custom building” your windows anyway, it’s really moot whether or not they are standard sized. But this is how they soften the blow that will hit you square between the eyes when they tell you how much it will cost. I don’t know if you've had an estimate or how much it was when they told you, but they told me $25,000. Yes, a 25 followed by three zero’s. Invisible gas and hammer protection don’t come cheap. Of course my whole house only cost me $17.50. The hammer was more than that.

But here’s the real trouble. When you tell these guys that 25K for windows is not happening - thanks but no thanks. They sit down. They refuse to leave. Because now they have to call Ron back at the home office, and explain that you said no, and look all shocked and sad about it. And then Ron has to speak to you, and ask you if Window Guy told you about the Argon. Yes. Did he tell you about the hammers? Yes. Did he show you the pretty picture book? Yes. OK, well what if we knock 10% off that price? Will you buy then? No. How about we finance it for you? Window Guy has an application you can fill out. No money down. No payment for 12 months. Only 29% interest. NO! Well, OK, let me talk to Window Guy.

When you give the phone back to Window Guy, Ron from the home office tells him he has to sit there until you say yes. And Window Guy will do just that. There is no way to get him out other than buying his windows. Well, there is one other way…

Hey, Window Guy, can I borrow that hammer.